You know I don't know why I bother to actually post a blog any more. I dont think any one actually reads it any more but if they do hey, your welcome to:).
I dunno, I guess feelings are tossing and turning, but not for the worste I guess, you know I used to be depressed sometimes and mean at others, probally still quite mean haha, but that doesnt matter =pp. Well to tell you whats happening I have been in uk for the past few weeks, it's fairly cold, but it seems ok to me. I am going to move to my finall year of degree, and I've been having a splended time with my sisters and mum over here. And of course the most important thing in my life is God, In malaysia Ive grown very close to him n known him more and more. it's amazing what he reveals no matter where I am.

The other day when my mum was driving home it hit me, the only place I have been depressed is in malaysia, but during the time of thinking about it. I felt that my Life is actually worth living for once, I felt happy n filled with Joy and the Lord is so wonderful hes the one that gave me the reason!

well May God bless you all bad good, alike... Jesus Died for us all, and we are all bad. I just pray for the ones not saved that you wil one day open your eyes and feel the Joy of the Lord... Adios and God bless!

Chapter 6

The pow'r of distraction

Finally it was nearing the end of my first year in college. Christmas was coming up and I was really excited, brought back memories of when I was in UK. The carols, presents, smiles and of course giving thanks to the Lord. But I had to get myself together, because before the holidays came I had to study for a big final exam so I can get my first year certificate. I was getting tensed up and all trying to buckle down and study.

So one month before the exams I had been asking the lecturers for more and more tips, and all they said were "Well, Spire. Here's your tip, Read through all my notes and I'll grantee you pass." I started to feel so Frustrated at that point.. I could visualize it.. A Thermometer Reaching it's top and bursting out.. I thought I had reached my absolute limit of hearing that phrase.. Read my notes, as I looked down I could see my hands stiffening into a fist shape.. Yet with all the pressure I felt I realized that there was no point getting angry over it. After all what they say is true, I took in a deep breath and nodded my head.

One week had past and I haven't had any sleep at all. You could see the bloodshot in my eyes, and the veins popping out of me, due to the lack of sleep, I had eyes like a panda, yet I was weak as a worm. When Sunday approached I went to church and Matthew saw the condition I was in. He asked that If I was ok, and I just said, it was school and all. Later after church they got together with me and prayed over me.

The following Monday I woke up and one of my class mates introduced me to a MMPORPG game, and told me it would release a bit of stress. So I thought I had nothing to lose and tried it out. On that very day I did nothing but play on the MMPORPG game.. I couldn't get myself away from the PC.. I was hooked, never the less he was right it did release a lot of stress.Day in Day out I couldn't stop talking about the game and how amazing it was, let alone playign it non stop... 2weeks past me by, and I had not been keeping track of time.. On the second week of that Sunday whiles I went to church, the pastor was talking about the power of distraction.. He challenged us to study 3 hours a day, and told us how the Devil has only the power of distraction... He will send distractions form every where trying to keep you away from God's blessings.. The more distracted we are the closer we were... Charge through quitting points.. At that moment of time it struck me. OH NO.. God was actually talking to me at that service.. And I realized that 2 weeks had past and my exam was just 1 week away...

I started to buckle down and banned myself from going on the PC.. I told my sisters to use it non stop and pull the plugs and hide them. I made sure I studied, and when I grew tired of studying I would read the bible.. Time past and one night felt like a couple of nights. I fell asleep on my books and woke up of bed the next morning," OH NO!!! I'm late I'm late.." I panicked and ran around trying to get overtaking together. I quickly drove to college recklessly which almost made me meet an accident.

The Day of the exam. I was nevous.. My hands were shaking and I was breaking cold sweat.I took deep breaths and stayed in focus, I could see a whole row of students looking anxiously at the clock.. waiting for it to hit 1:30 the time where the papers would start. and every second got closer all the students in that room gripped tighter and tighter to their pens.. " ALRIGHT EVERYONE YOU MAY BEGIN!" you could here a huge russle like a wave of leaves as the students turned over their first pages.. I was zooming through the papers.. In my head I was relieved.. My studyign paid off all the questions that came out were the same as the questions I studied... As an hour past I could see more and more students passing by me leaving the exam hall with a grin in their faces. I started to get anxious. I wanted to do nothing but to finish the paper as fast as possible.. There was 1 hour left.. And the last half an hour we would not be allowed ot exit the exam hall I thought to myself I want to leave 30 mins before, So I managed to finish the paper in 20 min and took 10 min to check for errors and mistakes. At the 30th minute I waved my paper in the air and gave it to the teacher. as they announced now you may not leave the exam hall until the paper has finished.

I took a deep breath and smiled... Then thought to myself I should not get too distracted again next time.. Even thought I knew I would... And so the holidays have begun...

Not part of the story, just some self talking :)

One day, one day... I will die and be free of this world!, world of torment.. and evil and things...
But I ask you, I have life on my right hand, death on the other... why do you continue to choose death over life?
Why? LIFE is but a torment... a torture.. suffering, and well death is a ticket out of it all.
What makes you so sure, death is a ticket out? if life is a torment, what more is Death!
How can death be a torment, if all you feel is nothing!
Who told you that there was no pain or suffering after death?, why are you so selfish.. selfcentered! your so foolish in your thinking... death is a ticket out. out into a new world of suffering.. but you don't realise that it's maybe not you whose suffering... but your spirit!
Is it not we reach heaven after this place of suffering... a place of paradise, a reason to go on...
yes... are you not blind? is that not another life... if life is such a torment. then why do u want to go to heaven?
If I don't die, how will I go to heaven?
You poor old minded person! you live on earth, and you can enjoy heaven NOW! on earth..
Well what if there is no heaven after death? then there is nothign to worry for!
If so, I say to you... That suffering will come FROM your death! Rather then from your life... think open your eyes, and you will see why! you can' take it! but why cause more torment by choosing death... I leave u with this and that is all I leave you with.

No no... WAIT! come back... you never told me why there is more torment...

( can you guys figure it out! hope so... the most loney person in this world, isn't the person without friends... nor is it the person with friends. It is the person with no compassion... no reason to live, but every one has a reason to live. If you don't I suggest you go to your closest church and ask loads of Questions about God to a Pastor/priest.)

Chris, the person who is in constant torment, from bad habbits and a broken heart... no matter how much I try.. I fail.. I wish she felt what I feel and know how badly she punched me. but she shall never know. Because she has be sliced...

Chapter 5

Recovery

So, now at the age of 18... Few months after my beloved had died, I went back to Asia to finish my studies. Constantly keeping in touch with Lucia's Little sister, Jane. As I was going through my degree, I was starting to go down hill... Every night I would have a dream constantly bombarding me, of how she was raped.. How they killed Fred. I almost failed my whole semester that year. Until lecturers started to realize, and decided to get a consultant in for me. They slowly advised me to go see the consultant every break I had, though I found it annoying, I guessed it was for my best.

The consultant would often start off like, 'How are you?' ,' have you been practicing the steps I been teaching you?', ' Still having those dreams?', ect. My consultant's name was Matthew. Amazingly enough he was actually the same age as me.as the end of my semester came, he advised me not to take the exams until I was totally recovered. Without even coming to tell me he wrote a letter to my department telling me that I should take the rest of this semester off and start fresh the next Sem. The next day when I found out what he had done, I was furious, storming into his office I screame dout ' WHAT THE HECK MAN?, HOW CAN YOU STOP ME FROM DOING THE REST OF MY SEMESTER, YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME, WHY?! GIVE ME A GOOD REASON!!!',
relax Spire... Chill, It's not the end of the world.. It's for your best'
'MY BEST?, HOW WOULD YOU KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR ME?! HAVE YOU LOST SOME ONE YOU LOVED SO DEARLY BEFORE?!, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW HOW I FEEL!'
'oh, .. SO YOU THINK IT'S EASY TO BE A CONSULTANT?!, I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU OUT AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS SCREAM AT ME?, YOU THINK I AIN'T LOST SOME ONE THAT IS DEAR TO ME?, WELL YOUR VERY WRONG..' right at that moment, he sat back down, and looked down. As he calmed down, he said in a low pitch, 'yes, I have.. I lost my parents... They died after a robbery when I was in school, I still don't believe it... They not only had to take all our things, but they had to take my parents too... It wasn't easy for me too you know. That's when I decided to become a Consultant. I wanted to help others that were like me, to recover... I'm sorry Spire, perhaps what I did was stupid.. If you want I'll write a letter saying you can continue.'
At that very moment, I felt sorry for him. I paused and looked down. 'I'm sorry Mat, I didn't know... Well it's ok.. I guess if it's for my best I'll go through with it. I'm sorry to hear about your parents.. Your forgiven', as I looked up and smiled I said, ' let's go out for a drink some time, I want to know you better instead of always seeing you as a consultant.'
He Laughed saying 'Yea sure, why not. Better than me seeing you always as a client.'
We both bursted out laughing, after that we talked a little and I went home.

That night my phone rang, it was Jane, she sounded happy and excited.
'GUESS WHAT?!'
'What?'
'Kor!!!!, I said Guess'
'haha, alright.. You scored all A's in your Exam?'
'err.. no haha, I wish'
'what? You wish?!, you can do it I know you can, your a smart girl'
'haha thanks kor. I wanted to tell you that I meet this sweet guy today, he was soo nice to me.he asked me out... But I don't know what to say.'
'Say your not interested', I teased
'Kor!!! this is serious man. You really think I should?'
'Naw of course not dearies, do what your heart tells you to.'
'ah alright, cool. Thanks Kor your da best!'
'of course, jk jk'
'hehe, so when are you going to come back?'
'Maybe Next year summer or something'
'ah cool'
Hours later the conversation ended, and on that very night I had the best sleep ever. I instead of getting terrible images, they were sweet nice images, of the good times I had with Lucia.

The next day I woke up smiling.I was so happy that I couldn't stop smiling through out the day. As I went to my usual consultant hour Matthew gave me a curious look, I was like what??.
He replied, 'Your rather jolly today'
'Haha Yea man, I haven't had a good sleep like yesterday for ages.'
oh, got some good news I take it?'
'Nah man, Good news don't come often now a days. I guess it's thanks to you, that I know that I am not alone any more. That I was never alone and that I have to cherish every good moment I had with her'
'Yea man thats the way, I think next Sem you will pass with flying colours!!, keep up this attitude and you would probally catch up to your previous buddies'
We laughed, and continued witht he consultation, but it wasn't like any other consultation I had been to, It was more like a time of sharing, and the thing that touched us most was when I talked about Lucia saying at least in heaven there will be no pain, or hurt no tears. Then out of absolutely no where I asked him, if he would want to come to church, he was reluctant at first as he lost faith in God long ago when his parents died. But then he decided he would try it out.

So every Sunday we made it a habit to wake up in the morning and go to church, eventually our faith started to grow, as we found out what Jesus did for us and all. Not only that, but because we knew that some one up there cared for us dearly as well as those we loved are up there looking down at us. We started to participate more in church and became very active Christians. As the Semester ended, we were a bit sad, coz I had to go back to studying. But We said to each other that we will still make the effort to go out to church on Sundays, and hang out the whole day after church. I kept on telling my lil sis(pet sis, Jane) about what Christ had done and she started to listen and grew in faith, yet she never had the time to know him personally, she always told me she had no time and that every time she wanted to go to church she becomes lazy and thinks it's boring, or something comes up. I kept on encouraging her to go, then I made a Vow that I would take her to church when I got back to UK. She accepted my vow and wa slooking forward to it. I too am hoping that I was able to go back and tell her about what Christ done for me while sI was in Asia, and how it's mor elike a relationship, rather than a religion, ect...

('don't be afraid to love again, Don't lose faith.').

HIGHLY NOT RECOMMENDED!!!

chapter 4

Curiosity, Killed the cat

2 years later, after getting out into high school a new place, a new life. A new start. Years past and I came to form 2, as a 13 year old. 'girls' seemed to be the happening thing around at those times. ME being cluless at that time, not knowing a single thing about what was so special about girls, as you know my past with a girl. My class mates would always talk about wanking n comparing their lengths. Sick as maybe but that seemed to be the big thing then, but I didn't bother with comparing.

About half way through the year came a time for biology class. Where our teacher said, well boys and girls, you will eventually have to learn this in your life, so lets get it over and done with. Teaching us about sex, and how the processes went through, we learnt about how 'babies' were made. Later on the subject when it got deeper, the teacher even taught us how to wear protection, both girls and boys. The teacher would often say, it's the best thing in the world, it's worth waiting for boys and girls.

As curious as every single girl and boy was, we went on with our lives normally, I eventually came across another girl which seemed to be so likeable, that I started to sweet talk her, not knowing that it was called flirting. The guys around me were like 'oh Spire, getting a lil hot here with Lucia hey?, even flirting with her.. Go on Spire!'. We got together, she was brunette, her eyes were large, brown, and just one look would melt any guys heart. Soon enough other boys started to hit on her. I felt very uncomfortable and discouraged as I could see her melting in their arms. Then one day, I decided to ask her bustard. 'Why do you even melt in these thugs arms.. All they do is whack my friends around they can't do any good can they?'
She replied to me in a soft gentle voice,'Spire... I don't want to be with them... It's just..' She started to burst in tears.. 'what's wrong dear? What happened?'I replied with much discomfort.'Spire.. You've known me for 3 years now... I'm like the closest to you. But these guys, thugs.. They threaten to hurt my lil sister if I did not obey to their commands... They even..', 'what?! what did they do?', 'They.. They .. Made me have, sex with them...', 'WHAT?!' I screamed,'WHY didn't you tell me?!..Does any one else know?', ' Just them... I didn't want to.. But I don't want my little sister getting hurt.Spire.. oh, Spire.. What can I do' she said whiles weeping in my arms', I said, 'calm down... I'll deal with them'. 'oh spire... Please don't do any thing stupid.. Don't kill them.. It's not right, don't hurt them.. Or my sister will get in to trouble.',then I ask you Lucia.. What am I to do.. I've got an idea, why don't we get together...'. She pulled back a little and her eyes widened. 'What do you mean... Get together', ' I mean, you become my girl friend'.She screamed'YOUR JUST LIKE THE OTHER GUYS ALL YOU WANT IS TO SLEEP WITH ME.' I retaliated'NO, I would never think of such a thing... I just want to protect you... I don't want you egtting hurt.. You mean a lot to me...'. 'Look up spire, look into my eyes and tell me that you really do care for me'. As I glanced into her eyes'O ... I care for you dearly.'. She fell back into my arms hugging me tightly and mummured'yes.. I will.', there was a short moment of silence, as we both admired the peace and quietness, hold each other tightly in a locked hug that seemed to be unbreakable.

The following day came. As I waited for her at the gate.. Some guys stood next to me, and was waiting for some one too. As she got off the bus the guys rushed to her and pushed me against the floor. She Cried out 'Spire!!, help!!', I got up.. Pulled my self together, even though blood was gushing out of my arms, I ran towards the guys and pulled them away. Starring into their eyes I screamed' WHAT THE CRAP DO YOU THINK YOU GUYS ARE DOING?!', they grinned and said, 'why don't you ask Ms. Cinderella here?'. I furiously replied,' there's no need for her to explain anything, she's my 'Cinderella' and you guys can go piss of from here, GET LOST.'
One of the guys tapped the other persons shoulder and said come on let's go, no point for us to waste our time on this little weasel.'
She jumped with joy into my arms, ' Thanks SPIRE! I love you!!!!' I smiled and said,'let's go! We're gonna be late for class.' At the end of the day, I saw her and her little sister off to their buses. Then out of no where the guys I saw earlier appeared with familiar faces I seen before. They were no other but those creeps who had been hurting my little angel in the past.I fought off 3 of them, but 2 of them managed to hold me arms, and whack me to my knees.' I screamed in pain. As thier'Boss' approached me saying'So your the brave hero huh?, ever heard of the saying heroes always die?' he took out some gloves and started to bombard me with random punches.. Later trashing me into a trash can and rolling me down the hill. Luckily I escaped with only a cut lip and bruises around my arms. As I walked home. I collapsed at my friend's house. HE quickly rushed out and pulled me in as I was unconscious. His mother quickly called for my parents. I woke up the next morning in the hospital. With my family worried and scared. They asked 'are you alright Spire?', ' Who did this?'.. I said'I'm alright.. Just some kids at school...' My mum ferociously went to my school immediately and complained', the moment Lucia heard of my injuries she rushed out of school with her little sister and went to the hospital I was in. As tears filled her eyes, she whispered 'sorry'. I smiled back' It's alright.. As long as your safe I will always Have the courage to live on.' ' She smiled and tried to hug me, but I stopped her and said jokingly' hey there now now girl, calm down. Don't forget I have bruises', she blushed and said' heh, sorry I forgot.' and held my hand instead. I saw her little sister standing there looking at me with her little puppy eyes. ' I said hey little girl, how are you doing today?', she replied frowning,' better than you, kor.'.
I laughed,' yea you are doing better than me' smiling back at her.
don't worry about me yea sweets?, you too little mei. I'll be back on my feet soon'

a week later I got out of hospital and found out that my little angel ain't been going to school. I calle dher up and asked her why. and she replied.. 'I'm scared.. I'm scared of what they might do to me without you there.'
'It's alright now. I'm here for you now.. eveything will be ok.'
The next day she returned and I protected her through out the whole day. I even made a few more friends, decent and played for the rugby team, they were huge but they were very friendly.' Hey is that your bird there?', Paul said( one of the rugby players). I said 'yea yea she is why?'
He replied' she looking fine.. But worried'
I said' how so?.. Well we been having some trouble lately..'
boy friend girlfriend thing?'
'Nah.. More like bad boys trying hard...'
'aw man that sucks.. Well If I ever see these bad boys I'll whack them up personally.' Paul replied.
At the end of the day, I saw Lucia off as I normally do. With her little cute sister toddling behind. Once again the thugs came up to me. 'Oh you still haven't learnt from your last experience eh?' ,maybe we should teach you a thing of two'. As they laid their hands on me, I pushed them back...' Don't touch me you freaks... You dare I'll kill you all', I screamed as I backed off a little.
huh?! You think your so tough? Come on boys lets get him' as their boss pointed to wards me. I started to run around the school. As they chased me.. I reached a dead end.. As they approached me you could hear them snickering.' Dead end Spire.. No where to run no where to hide. Give up n let us do our thing.'
I tried my best to fight them off, held them off for half an hour until I started to weaken.. And then out of no where, a guy came behind them n threw them off me. I said thankfully' oh man your my hero, he said' no Your my hero.' as I looked I saw my old friend Fred, one of which I helped fight off bullies off him when he was younger and next to him was Paul. Paul said' so these are the freaks that have been touching ya girls huh?' he tossed the boss on the floor and said' IF you ever touch this guys or his girl or any body in that case, I will personally F**K you up until your own mother don't reaconize you!.'
Fred, was tall and built up as well as Paul, Fred said' hey you alright?, it's been a while since I last saw you, Paul told me that he met a guy called spire, and the only spire I knew was you. So I said o cool let's meet him, but I wasn't expecting to meet you this way..'

And so the years past and my relationship with Lucia got very intimate. Until up to a point where I had to go overseas as my Dad had to go look after business... That day Lucia cried non stop begging me not to leave. I told her that I would be back in a year, and I'd come back to look for her personally. We kept in touch and exchanged emails and contacts. So for the first 6 months we kept calling each other non stop and she would tell me how things were there. I'd often ask about fred, and she said he's been looking out for her, on my behalf. One the 7th month, I wouldn't contact her. Somehtign had happened, so I called Fred, his mother picked up... I asked Can I speak to Fred please?,' she started weeping on the phone..' Fred? He's dead.. He was stabbed on the back in school..' In much shock I said' I'm so sorry to hear that.. Oh no.. I said I send my consolence to you and your family'. Quickly I put own the phone and called Lucia's house phone. Her little sister picked up, as I said hello, she started sniffing. I said what's wrong? And she replied..' Kor... My sister.. She's not ok any more.. She's in hospital the doctor said she would only live 6 months more.. Then she would go to heaven..' I said 'aww.. What happened' but just as i said that her little sister put down the phone. The next day on the news they reported that Lucia was brutally Rapped and Fred was found dead laying next to her. I bursted out in tears.. As my dad turned around and aske dme isn't that, the girl who pulled you through the times when you wer ein hospital..' I said 'yes...', then he shook his head and said' well things happen..' I screamed back saying'IS that all you can say?!?!?!'' for the next month. I managed to get enough money to go back to UK just for 5 months.. Then I would have to return. I told my family that I had to do this, then wrote a letter to the school. They all agreed and let me head back to UK. I spent most of my time sin the hospital every day, talking to her... As her last days counted to an end.. I prayed hard hopping that she would recover... No improvements. As the 4th month came.. I was beginning to lose hope..She said to me weakly,' Spire.. At least when I leave this world, I would know that I loved the best person in the entire world.. And that no one will replace you in my heart.', I cried next to her bed.. Not ablign to say anything... Feeling so helpless and worthless. As she whispered in my ear.' Spire.. Don't cry.. Let me remember you smiling and happy.' I said' ok.. I'll try' putting on a weak smile...', hald way through the 5th month, she told me' Spire.. Don't be afraid to love again... Don't be afraid to have another.. I don't want some tone that is as Good as you to be wasted because of my death.., promise me please promise me..' I said' I'll try.. It's gonna be hard.. But I promise.' She smiled and kissed me,' I love you Spire.. Always will. Don't lose your will and trust in God after this... coz I'll be watching you from heaven, So don't go losing faith in him.'. I smiled and said' I won't . At least I know that when your in heaven there will be no more hurts or threats.. No more pains or sorrow, and our father above shall protect you and give you the best forever' She smiled, and said' Yes.. At least death is not the end.'

as the 5th month came to an end..Before she died, she said' Spire, remember our promise, and gave me one last kiss.' then she past away... I attened her funeral,Cryign and weeping. As they closed up her coffin, I was on my knees... They dug her up, and put her in a church yard. The priest said the usual thing.. And the family gave their testimonials... And I gave mine.. As a short one,' she was the most amazing girl that had ever been in my life. If I could turn back time It would be to protect her form those thugs.. But I can't so the most I can do is be glad they were caught and hope that they will be forgiven and repent form their mistakes.. I loved her.. I truly did. If I could leave you all with something positive I will, and that would be her last few words to me. At least in heaven there will be no more pain or hurts.'

a day before my departure, ' I went to see fred's grave and prayed, I also spoke to him saying thanks for trying your best, thanks for begin there, and thanks for begin one of my best friends in the world. I also visited lucia's grave once more. I will return every year to see you Lucia.. I will bring you some flowers. Then returned to Asia... But I still kept ion contact with her little sister trying to bring her back out of her digression... And so that was the end of my era with my most precious, loved one.. Lucia..

Chapter 3

as the facts say, girls are stronger when thier younger

here comes to he end of my era with Laura, one of the prettiest girls I have ever been on a date with;How did it happen?, I ask myself that same qeustion this very day. But from what I remember, it was because she started to constantly whack me, I told her to stop, but she wouldn't, eventually blowing up at each other, our first and last argument was on that day,the words she said are stuck in my head. Well you always make me hang out with YOUR friends, you never come and let me hang outaround my friends. I guess it was my fault at the end, but at that young and naive age, I repelled screaming back, well I'm not the one trying to bully the other. At that point, silence fell upon the both of us. we ignored each other for the next few days. When we started talkign to one another we treated each others liek normal friends again, and hanging out seperatly like we used to do.
Many of my friends, especailly those whome were girls would often ask me. Why don't I get back with her, I would become very stuborn, and say never again. unconscience of why people were askign me to get back with her, even her best friend asked me.
Despite of all the waring and discomfort between the both of us, I still decided to turn up at her party, where only me her and her best friend were around. she had a cute lil doggy, and we watched movbies and stuff, it was a very peaceful night. After that night I left with a total different impression of her. the day after that night, I kind of missed her a little, but I did not want to admit it up to a point where iw as able to convince myself she wasn't worth the time at all. and it happened that a week later, she approached me alone. I was curious, and the words that came out her mouth, came with much pleading. Her voice so tenderly asked," forgive me please Spire, she looked me into my eyes, her round eyes glitering as it did before on the day we came together. Please Spire, Be with me once more.", in shock I answered, " I'm really really sorry.. I can't, I just can't be with you again, sorry" in stubborness I walked off, and she walked off looking down and unhappy. that was the end, and my first stage of changing my attitude.

Chapter 2

puppy love

Luara, Luara. how beautiful was she. 2 months in, and we were already as close as a knot on a shoe lace. she'd always tag along with me to hang out with my friends, the ones that would play catch and very active games. She got to know alot of the female friends I had.. since at that age we usually hang out with our own gender, ah but now a days I don't know how kids hang out.
Some breaks I would hang out with her friends... To me her friends were pretty boring.. but had very interessting topics to talk about, yet even when I try to be friends with them I could sense some hatered coming from them. The dark side =o. well to elaborate it, every time I hung out with them they would cut me otu of thier topic, walk infront of me or simply just ignore me... but even after all that I decided to stick with Luara and tolerate it all. =) puppy love is so strong. Gives you energy to do the most amazing things when your young.
The most amazing thing about Luara was that she had the most amazing eyes... hazel big and round, if she looked at you, I could grantee oyu would melt(taking in the fact that you are a boy or a lezo =p) we'd talk about things that were crazy,like astro spirit stuff... not that i understood it, but she practiced it with my friends... I tried it before.. never really worked, just gave me a better idea of how beautiful the night skies and stars were ^^;.
about 4 months in her birthday was coming up... like 2 months later. with a warm smile I accepted.. but I asked her is any other friends coming. She said yea David megan, ect... steph(her best friend) so she asked me to help her invite some friends too, so I invited he rest.. and they said yea sure. Witht he party coming up I was thinking of what to get her. I was excited... SO excited I went up to her and told her who was comming, and she gave a cheerful look and hug =). So here, our love was strong as ever.. not one argument, so perfect...

the beggining of a love so true

Chapter 1

It wasn't until 12 I started seeing some sort of potentail in girls. before that I thought of girls as 100% pure brats, haha. But I'm guessing they thought the same way of us guys, and probally still do. Ah, how rude of me. My name is Spire Ine, I'd prefer to disclose my age, but if you follow through my stories you will get the idea of how OLD I really am.
Back in the days when I was 12, I changed to a brand new school for the last year of PRIMARY! gee I was excited back then... meeting new friends, but I was never the type to actually go along with the 'trend' those days. People usually talked about spice girls and all, but I would never really of understaood what it was about untill that era was OVER.
However I did notice, that girls seemed to become more attractive, even tho, every one knows they really arn't at that age =p. as I gto to know more friends in that school I started to notice that girls and boys were holding hands and like cuddling each other. Hence I learnt the first word of 'getting together', BOYFRIEND and GIRLFRIEND. As baffled as I was back thenone girl in particular always had caught my eye. Her name was Laura, she was a show girl wiht yellow.. nah just kidding. but her name was Laura, I couldn't really take my eyes off her during class, and even times when we had to go to church and pracitice for the qoir.
One day as me and my friends were in church he asked, so, Spi, who do you fancy. whispering back I answered, Laura, but don't tell any one yea?. he said, ok. then the next minuite told my other friends which eventually spreaded to Laura, who looked back, and whispered to her friends, who then passed the message back to us saying yea, I like him to. My heart beated faster. In my head I was like what's going on? why's my heart beating so fast. My Girlfriends' said why don't you ask her out.(at that time not understanding that go out means ask her to be my girlfriend) I said, I can't my mum and dad won't let me go out alone. Then they told me going out with her doesnt mean you have to literally go out with her. Confusing me even more. so I eventually after 2 weeks understood what they meant by going out.
So on a summers afternoon I pulled some courage into myself and told her I liked her, she responed me too. With a little shivery voice I asked would you go out with me? she said yea. wow at that time I was so shocked and happy with a huge smile I held her hand. There was were my first love bloomed...

new post =o

Well, I havn't posted in a while now... for the past few days I been getting these crazy thoughts about my ex... I have no idea why, I even think about it... I mean at the end of the day she has ignored my text messages... about 80% of my Im's and my email... still I even do an auto prayer for her and really mean it fromt he bottom of my heart... but still... I have no Idea why.

Besides that, I went out wiht Ashley (my friend) latly to pyramid... ooo~~~ para fanatics lol xD we were so noobish the pros couldnt stop smurking at us xD. I think I'm getting better =p tho my arm did ache the next day.. I bet u ashley's did too xP no offence ash ahahhahahahha *clears throat* mwahhaa we decided next outing to go para again... before he leaves to aussie... prehaps have a nice time in the cyber cafe as well for the last few times... after that, I have no mroe friends to hang out with. No one I'm close to... Steven's gonna leave too lol isn't it great xD I have no one lolz... well I do, but no fun hanging out wiht people if thier gonna speak a language you dont understand amoung themselves...

Assighments are pouring in WOHOO *not* lolz but I mean I feel liek doing them.. probally somethign to keep me occupied or somehting I think oracle and director should be fun *grins* but then system design....*dies*. oo and events community service... dinner and dance....... PUBLIC SPEAKING COMPETITION @@ *sees stars* geeez alot of work... then theres a training we have o do for our assieghment... *wipes sweat off head*... thats a heck lot of work to do... but still I want to have a outing wiht my ex before her bday... shame she never replies.. I really need to know coz I want to get her a book.. and like, it costs lol. then my pet sis Jeng! her bday will be liek a week after my ex's. I need to ask sitoze if he's free to go for that one... as for my ex... dont even know if she wants to come xD any howz.. that day is all Jeng's from me to her as a brother =) least i could do... arranging a party... any hwoz.. thats about it folks... Adios and Take care...
God bless,
Chris

long time no post.. let's post some rubbish

Life's passing,
times growing... what do we do?
sit and wait;
only waiting for the time to come;
the time where we shall live once again.

Every one seems so sad;
Every one seems so down;
some are mad, some are red...
but no matter what is said.
You are still in my heart;

people look down on me;
people look up to me;
people curse me behind my back;
people dislike me.
people like you, hate me;
Yet, no matter hwat your in my heart.

I am now falling,
I feel for you;
but now I fall for me;
I am falling with no net for me to land on;
you rush to me;
you see me... but all you see
Is nothign more than a mere image;
the reflection of your sadness;
a reflection of you torment.

you ask me why I die for you;
you ask me why I was so stupid;
you ask me why I loved you;
you asked me why I never told you.

I say to myself, that you hate me;
I said to myself ,I love you;
I said to myself, I'll take a bullet for you;
you ask me why I never told you;
I said to myself, I did but u never listened...

now laying on the floor, bleeding,
nothign around but the swaying vultures.
by the time you see me, there will be nothing left
only a reflection of your sadness
a reflection of you torment,
you ask me why I died for you;
I died coz I cared for you,
I died because I couldn't stand u being tormented;
I died so you could be happy;
I dided so that you may once rejoice again;
I took a bullet for you;

Don't mourn, don't cry.
I did this so you may be happy;
so that you may once again see life;
see it to it's full potentail;
I dided so you could be free once again;

(a story, a poem for whatever you think, it's somthign I know thats true, and real. and too, would take a bullet for you... but how? I need courage... that takes time.. that takes heart.)

thinks

Do you wish... you could talk to people, people who would understand you... sit and listen, understand, giving a reassuring look. Yet not say a word... Every one sees problems here and there in this world, but the thing that will effect us all is if we really love, and really break. It haunts you, forever. You get over it. but the memories just come back over n over again. Well thats normal I guess... I mean who hasn't been hurt in thier lives, prehaps thats where players come from. The burnign passion, the feeling is still within me. but why? a significance of me being alive? or the wanting to love once again? or just to have back the love that has gone?. people wonder. I have many friends, and I do have one I can talk to, yet he has been through the same experience and I'd like to think that he is over it. So I would ratjher not talk and remind him of the paain he had to go through. yea, all of you would think aww CHris it's nothing it's over. I know that's what I say, but it's hard... the amount you miss, the wanting... those who never expereienced love or experienced many... would find it easier.. ah wellz thats enough for me=) just listen, thats all I need you to do

The wish I have

These days, people wonder... why they live, what for? sometimes, I don't know why... but I fear the day I might be a father... tho it is the day I am longing for... Every one turns from thier father... either it starts out bad or it ends bad... I say to myself I live to be a gd parent, a gd husband. I wish I will be. I know in the future my kids are gonna hate me. It's all the same as today, you treat them nice when thier young they;ll love you till teen age... being a teen... hard to accept the fact that you love your parents.. some where in your heart, theres something... no matter how much you say hate HATE HATE.... there is no hate... just the feeling of.. distance, like your far from them... so far you can't remember the love they gave you once... Humans... so prone in memorising the bad points, we never tend to realise our good, cherished memories, stored right at the back... any one who holds on to them, will surely smile and say, I was loved once... and I'm glad I was, and so I shall be again

no ones really been against me, my family has loved me... they shout to correct me when I was younger.. my dad didn't.. I don't even know why people get annoyed with thier dads... I do too, I try to love him... but it feels awkward.. maybe cause I'm a guy.. it's harder?

I really wish, that one day, every one will see somethign in thier parents.. some good piroty... they say negative thigns to you... but really they care for you... if they didn't they would have rejected you a long time ago... and even then, they will feel a great deal of loss, as thier child. something they brought into this hectic world, has gone astray. it's not easy for them, as it isn't easy for us Kids. I wish I could say that and be loving, I'm trying to change... I wish people would too... and to those who do=) I'm glad you achieved much more then most of us have, don't hate your parents coz they brought you into this world, they didn't bring you here to suffer, they brought you here through love.

but the thing that I wish most, is for every one to feel the feeling I am=) a peacefull and joyful one. It's not coz I am loved by others, heck I can be rejected and hated by others. It's the fact that I have some one who is my corner stone of my life, you guys will think of this as all bimbo crap, but really it's true, JEsus really rocks, and the feeling... it's amazing... if every one had this feeling, they wouldnt call thier parents parents... more like friends. Shame... I wish this wish really could come true, then even through suffering... poeple will find joy in thier lives.. through thier suffering, they will still be happy...

Fail?

So many people have told me don't give up when your almost there... is there a almost there? why can't I reach there?! some times I don't understand... why is it I try so hard and I fial PREHAPS I try too hard... maybe it's nto my trying.. I dunno I didnt even try... argh nothing makes sense... my life is turning n twisting.. prhaps my root is too weak.. I'm losing it... I dunno.. watering and watering.. I GUESs wont work... everythign I think or read maybe read all wrongly I GET THE wrong impression.. I'm too fckign happy for my own gd.. I guess I should go back to depression and rot there where I belong.. who ever reads this I guess u'r probally one of the people who influenced me to rot :)

tears

Tonight... is such a wonderful night... for my tears.. I was revising.. then all these memories started ocming up... they touched my heart.. made me burst in tears.. why am i still thinking of her.. is it not enough i have to live wihtout her?... why must i live this torment... so ready to die... so ready to live.. so strssed... I ant bear it... tonight... tonight...

lifes race

I Belive, your life, is so specail, so very specail...
dont give up, don't lose it... just because some thing has happened
If you lost your girlfriend it's not the end, no no~
if you lost your boy friend.. don't take your life, dont loooose it
Coz theres still people out there, who care for you, who love you

come hold my hand, lets walk this race of life together,
here take my sheild, come on lets fight off these attacks.
Don't give up coz there's always some one who cares Dont give up
Don't give uup, coz I know theres one person in this world who will^.
care for you

your life is so precious, dont lose it coz of your lover.. who broke your heart
I know how it fee~ls. Theres still some one specail out there, for you ou ou.
Or maybe you never know~ that one day that one lover will regret n comme back to you
cooome back to you.

Changed

yes it's been a long tough road.. and many rocks broken glass has beirced me on the way... but I have to continue walking this journey of life no matter what. In my head thoughts rush through... zoom~ yea.. I noticed I've become alot bitter? or less sweet either way got be the same thing.. I try to help.. but my words seem less meanignful... I want to help.. i want for your trust in me,... somethigns happened n theres nothign i can do about it... just beome bolder i guess...

some itmes life is just rocky path.. a path that no one can clean up for u but yourself... money cant clean it just mkae it worste~ everything is so temporary like... I sung a song to my self I'll share it in a mintue sums up most of my thoughts i had in my mind... the way i am to my friends... nothing but a last thought a moement in time where u could just seek me^^ n I'm glad i can be a shoulder for u to cry on... to rejoice with ^^

the song

When you needed me most, I've always wondered when... u always needed me to begin with.. I know this life is tough,If i wasnt here how many times would you wonder when I was all your...life? oh yea... I just wonder now... I wonder if I appeared only when you needed me most. how many times would I apear~ I'm just guessing n guessing n thinking over n over... in my head it says you would think 5 times a yr, I doubt u needed me at all, n I know u dont need me... I'm just so sorry I wasnt there when u really needed me... I really am, yes iam, if i could go back help u i would, I'm sorry yes i am I wish i would be there for you.. yes i am sorry i wasnt there, yes i am sorry i wasnt there when you needed me the most~ when your needed me the most...

Strange?

lol yay my array has changed at the bottom great huh~n a nice video clip... ne way i thank syed for that coz he has that video code thingy on his blog so i went to the site n stole one :P not that the fact they actully give it out for free...


Aint it werid?, I mean life... just striking u liek that! it hurts so badly... lol but then again it can be so pleasurable... I noticed... I'm less sexually active now LOL but thats coz I'm not as horny :P shhh Ididnt write this... but who the heck cares i liek to be more open then others! got a prob? huh?! alright tell me n I'll try to chnage that prob for ya=P.. yea i notice hwo I got over my break up... It was like 2 day thing.. but then after like one month it started to come back to me... heh its kinda werid, prehaps its the loniless thing? how u felt so lonily before.. then u found some one, but when u lose that some one... every time u get lonily that one person will come back in your head... ah wellz~ happens to ash alot :P ASHLEY not ashraf get ya facts right! :Pwell that was a long time ago yea i dunno how to spell either but i dont care :P ne wayz just wanted to update some crap for now! oh yea I'm 18!!!

a song?

Where did I ever go wrong?
baby I really loved you...
I really wish you could see~
baby I would do anything~
your wish comand~~~
and I really wish you could see I'd do anythign for you~
I just guess i wasnt good enough...
not good enough for you


heh just a lil song iw as singing came from the top of my head... while i recorded myself.. kinda went wrong at the wish part... I'm still stuck with the thought i really did love my ex... yet i need to move on, hey not a bad song for valentines eh? ^_^ ppl say moev on... but they dont themselves.. takes time.. prehaps soemthign will come along
Chris, God bless~

Is it worth it?

Why? why do i live in this world? is there even a chance of me being any use? I always fall into temptation.. i cant help it.. I stand strong.. but my wall is just made of sand.. i look strong as a army of million, yet a child can defeat me. WHY?, why do i live? if i die today would it make a difference.

Sound fimillar?

some times in life we go crazy, I mean why do we live for n all. Then if u look back in some part of your life, you have helped some one, just a small favour or large it doesnt matter. these things saved some ones life.(yay i saved some ones life so they can be tortured more!!) nah you gave them a reason to live. prehaps they could see thier true potentail, maybe that person will invent some thign great in the future maybe his decends are the most important people of the world? (or maybe it stays in a toture cycle.)why do u feel your useless? if you were, why would i care so much? if u truely were why would people cry when u die? yes I sinned yes I'm not perfect, we're human!soem say but.. Ive commited the worste evil ever. Tell me if u had a child, n he did somethign bad, would u hate that child for life? yea he did something wrong, but you would still love him/her.u tell them off to re mould them. but when u grow up you know whats wrong and right, happens you did somethign bad. well at least you will try to change at least u use your last peice of strength to change change for the better. I know some people are very pestimistic n look on the lowest dawns of life. think about nit, if we all though tlike that to begin with which we do at one point, why do we still live up to today!

this is Chris sighing off!

World of Dreams

Some times this world can be filled with dreams, desires... Wonders. Yet dreams can be just merely a thought n illusion. Yet if u made the dream come true it becomes a reality a fact, a truth. But even a fact can have it's weaknesses, trails pains. People in this world go through so much just to give others the best they can.. Yet others just take it for granted. Take for instance some one hosts up a meeting invites people to talk about an important issue yet, after all their efforts the many that appeared left after receiving a gift, very sad sometimes... Put so much effort and time into Smithson just to see people disappear.

lives a whirl wind constantly on the move, sucks up everything in sight grabs all the opportunities. yet it grows liek a flower, busy developing until it's finally mature enough to attract flies n bees so they can reproduce n make more flowers.

In life there just can't be too many storms, storms are constantly brewing destroyign every ship in sight... yet I have a shelter that is so strong that even the winds and sea will stop at it's sight.. more of his sight... I'm glad he has been in my life n Im glad he stays with me all the way through life. by his wounds i am healed. everything in life drains your physiscal energy, yet u also have a sipritual energy, i was once told if u keep worshippign God u use up your Spiritual energy n u recharge through the word.. our daily bread ^_^. Miricales are true i seen one or two... No God doesnt favour any one only u control how many blessings u recieve.

tis is the sadeth part of my blog time to sighn off n become lazy n hopefully update in weeks or months to come, happy chinese new year !!~