Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Walls break again why?!


The Wall around me is crumbling leaving me as an easy victum once again, the other day I fought abt my religon... sigh it's not for me to say who is right or wrong only God knows, we are all human, there's no super man, if there was hes kept secert for a reason....
As I think back.... I thought it's just an internet Gal, I'll get over it... but now.. I feel the scars as they burst open.. in my heart blood overflows my body, the so called fortitude of my wall crumbles, my shield rusts, my amour falls, my sword breaks... I am strong... but weakened... why wtf is wrong with me.... I said it's over.. but i still feel the heaviness, maybe it's coz she got married in a game,,, Sighs in great disgreefe... any wayz she gonaa marry in real life any way... I wonder is this how ash n mit feel abt one another... missing the old days, missing the time they spent together... the only thign is that theirs was real...
I wonder what real love is? is love even a word, u marry a companion not a lover, so tell me what is the whole point of love.... it's such a complicated word, kills u inside... man I'm a semi Vampire... I feel my self detirating... crumbling before my very own self.... but why, no need in it, heavy heart, strong will.... one day I will find some one... just not today i keep saying to myself, I say I will never have one till after my studies, and why am i cryign for one? what am i lusting for..... thristing for.... but I shouldn't... it's my heart my weak spot peirced... like a vamp i should die... but unlike a vamp I just feel pain n live... scars heal but why do they reburst.... I dunno anymore... I will heal I WILL HEAL, FFS HEAL... :( why!

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Well, this post is no help for any of u but myself.. so here goes...
hmm I reallyl want some one to talk to, now adays every oen seeems so parted... or not so clsoe... I guess the only right person to talk to is God, he knwos what I am thinking any wayz... soem times I just get so worke dup with jelousy n then wonder why i am jelous of nothing.... why anger flows through my body like my very own blood n flesh... why I want to be so free, yet i dfeel so caged, today i took communion n I am not baptisted... I wonder if it was right or wrong... I've been having these feeeligns of anger so relentessly I've become such an easy target to be provoked... and such and bad person.... usually, I shoudl be a gd per��������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������
Well, this post is no help for any of u but myself.. so here goes...
hmm I reallyl want some one to talk to, now adays every oen seeems so parted... or not so clsoe... I guess the only right person to talk to is God, he knwos what I am thinking any wayz... soem times I just get so worke dup with jelousy n then wonder why i am jelous of nothing.... why anger flows through my body like my very own blood n flesh... why I want to be so free, yet i dfeel so caged, today i took communion n I am not baptisted... I wonder if it was right or wrong... I've been having these feeeligns of anger so relentessly I've become such an easy target to be provoked... and such and bad person.... usually, I shoudl be a gd person.. but now a days I swear... n curse.... which i didn't use to do... soem times I hate myself to the poitn where Imy head can't cope any longer... I just feel like bursting out Destroyign everything... or just laying down n die..... btu i knwo it;;s not the wisest choice... Jesus has been here.. he';s probally the very exsistance of me being here, n still sane i suppose... I'd be permentantly lost every time i fall if it weren't for him... I rely on my friends they only put me down... I mean look at this world every thing seems to be going away and away... look at ash he as his friends... he can talk abt problems to them.... I really wanted to talk to him abt problems coz he listens n he's a gd friend... it hoguht of talkign to Jeng abt it but she seems to have changed alot,,, Eva... well lets put it this way when shes online I dun seem to have any anger or rage in me at that time... or my cuz is over I act or seem very liek the joyful n play ful type of person.... I dunno but this is all ranting... I really need to get this all out,... whats happening now in the world... what friends did i have in malaysia.,... I even look back and wonder what friends did i reallyl have the probally only friend i had in uk was sam... he helped alot i suppose i mean at least we could hang out n chat n all... mMalaysia... I wasn't a big hit or anythign... poeple knew me they just didn't reallly talk to me... I dunno do i seem socail or totally anti socail... or maybe it's all to do with my turst n they not trusting me... ahhh usually thier busy as i said a friend in malaysia would probally be Ash but he's busy now a days.... as for mit... shes very specail to me... shes my first pet sis.... and has much on her hand I want the pbest for her coz she dun deserve to live the way she is living her life... ahving doubts n everyhting.... I wish there is somehtign i can do but shes just to reluctant to accept Christ prehaps one day some one will come and help her through her life... maybe it could be me.. helping her now.. .but i really doubt it... but it's her mind n her body... hwo would i know what she is thinkning njust alll assumptions... man i been typing like speedo for this past 20 min of this post welll i best end it off now 3 23 now... ok htis is.....
Chris

....

Sighinign


offf....
forrr
now...

Friday, August 20, 2004

Puzzle


Ever wondered... or been puzzled about life? you'd think life is a liek a rollar coaster... Ups and downs... thrills n sickness... but I find life more like a puzzle.... it's like you put every peice together... but can never find the missing peice... you are so curious u venture back n forth... And when you finally find it... u see it it looks wonderful... but realise it was a wrong piece that just fitted into the the missing slot... you'd get fustrated wonder where on earth is this piece... u find it.. you complete it... you fall inlove with it...(abit extreme but hey who knows) and it's so fragile that one slip it falls into pieces again... you sigh... in great grief sadness over comes u, you cry, as you can't handle the pain of putting it back to gether... and when you start to get yourself together... u start the puzzle all over again in a little cycle... untill one day, it's framed, and nothign can hurt it , bullet proff glass and fire proff paint, wood that can never be rotted or burnt... nothing..., that is the time when u are reliefed... and have great rest and achievement...

this is Chris, Curious abt mit, curious abt ash, and curious abt whats happening now... (Curiosity killed the cat, but the cat lived another 8 times...)

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Now i know...


hmm... ever wondered why Farthers are so screwed up? hah... no thier not:P so erase that out of your head... Really it's all about care... I guess there are different ways of care... one is strict... shout n lecture u all you do is when he turns around curse n shout or sit there wondering why is this world so messed up... You'll unravel that through expereince..
OR
theres that motherly love... if u never had a strict mother... one that would hold ya hand through troubles.. one that will help u soilve your problems... u are reliefed... but even though that love is given to you... you some times dey it.. nto wantign to lose... so either way u sit down n still wonder wth is wronf with this world again...
, A fine exsample of motherly love... it's ok dear there's al;ways another time
...a fine respomnse to it...
WHAT U MEAN ANOTHER TIME.... NO WAY I BLEW IT THERES NOT OTHER CHANCE ARgh WHY DUN U UNDERStaND!
,Fine exsample of stric caring...
Don't Cook u just came out of hospitol da doc said u arn't alowed to cook, lemme do it for u.. u go and rest...
A fine response...
( yea ok thanks)...<< i wish... NO U GO AWAY I'M DOING IT U HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO COOK JUST LET ME DO IT!!!(YES... THATS AN REAL EXSAMPLE THROUGH MY EXPEREINCE<<SO either way u reject why not accept...
Now I knwo how the stubborness of humans Got God angry too...
So much care n we reject... it's a shame... nto all of us are liek this... I'm glad we still have ones that endure the care n love... it's not rarte it's every where... just u think it's so far away yet it's so close...
Chris sighning off...

Now I know...


Ever wondered why farthers are so screwed up?.... well thier not so get that out of your head:P... Well lets put it this way
  • Strict care/love
  • motherly care/love

Strict love/care...

You ever wondered... wth is wrong with me parents... why the heck are they shouting at me... what did i do wrong... no need to lecture me, I've ndone nothing wrong... I hate them... or...u think WHy is this world so messed up... u'll find out later on in life...

eg...

Don't Cook you just came out of hospitol n the doc said for you to rest... you can't cook, or you'll over strain yourself n end up back in hospitol...

Response...

GET OUTT OF THE WAY... DON'T TOUCH AND THING... STUPID.... YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE THE THINGS IS... YOU DUNNO HOW TO DO ANYTHING.. SO BUGGER OFF!!!

Motherly love/Care

This is the caring that is given to you.. n u some times accept it... it conforts u, gently, hodls you hand.. all the way.. Solves your doubts and your greatful... but some times if you think .. u dun like it at all...

Example of this care/love

Dear there's always another time you only missed out this once... hwo about next year.. they have one yearly, it's ok :)

nice response...

(i suppose so,....)--- u think u'll see this often... or this.... WHAT YOU MEAN HUH? ANOTHER CHANCE NO THIS WAS MY ONLY CHANCE DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND WHY CAN'T YOU JUST HEAR ME FOR ONCE.. I BLEW IT.. N I CAN'T GET IT BACK SO **** OFF!!!! I DON'T NEED YOUR PITY!!!

after words feeling guilty... or raged in anger.. you punch the wall.. or sit and wonder why your life is so screwed up, well either way u still reject this love...

Now I know why God must have been pretty angry when he was giving out all his care n love us humans just walked away... so sturborn...

This is Chris sighning off

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Grow up!


So, Tell me have you ever heard this phrase before'Grow up!'. I mean yes, Grow up... but your telling Kidz to grow up.. please open your eyes we r only kidz.... we should be liek kids... but when we do act grown up... you say hey... why are you being so mature u should be enjoying your life... So this phrase is wrong... but in a sense growing up is a good thiing coz it helps you become prepared for the future... SO really you'll have to be kidz at 1-12, 13-15 teenagers, 16- 18 Half kid half adult... it's not good to not enjoy yourself n have adult stress. so Enjoy!

Did you know?


Did you know britney n Eveasence however u spell thier name... has the same song background.. but different lircics... one is Every time I try to fly i fall without my wings... the other is, when you cry I wipe away your tears... when you scream i fight away all your fears... oh welll lol just some info will post laterz if I dun feel lazy cioaz...

Saturday, August 14, 2004

The

Burning

Inside


Some times I wonder... If I had a choice of a heart... what would i pick...
  • Black
  • Gold
  • Red?
  • Blue..
  • yellow

hmm you'd never guess I would pick black... Black as in the evil that surrounds me n that is pumping around me... but with in that black heart is a light... shining light... A light of good. heh I suppose that little bit of good keeps me going in this world...

I dunno whats wrogn with me today... juust pissed before... after chess, get hom pissed as in angryo.O and then in GB man... just a game n i can be pissed, haiz... then i go into the car n realise that I hate my self so much I feel the anger pumping in my artries not my veins since viens are just blood trickling around here n there :Pheh, I know what to do... it's just i dun want to fix it it's hard to explain I dunno how to say it.... prehaps i endure n like this hatered of mine? ... prehaps the little bit of good is what makes me become who i am to the naked eye of people..... only one guy can see through me n it's God... I praise him for being merciful... I praise Jesus for Saving me.... I pity those who don't believe... and if i could I'd call those who feel the presence....

This is Chris Sighning off


Saturday, August 07, 2004

nice friday


wow Yesterday was a cool day, I went to midvalley with my old seocndary school friend. He brought some friends of his along ^^ it was cool, at least i got to meet some new, I guess i ain't been out for ages, could be affecting my l;ife... never really felt gd in a long time... ever since i went out with me friends last lol which was... a long time ago...
SO, Ash if u read this i wanna say, thanks for being my friend for da [past few years, even tho i have tuanted u like dunnoo... but ... haha no buts :P. So my grammer is still, weak? lol. Must be look at me trying to type this out.

hmm what i been thinking about...


We have friends... We have people we are friendly to, and then we have true friends.... belive it or not, for no reason at all tears were running down my cheek this morning, then i thought... of all my friends, I thought of the true ones... n i thought of the friends... every thime i think at the end it comes back to the same old statement... 'We marry a companion, not a lover...'
heh anywayz... i been wanting to talk to ash about somethign i will not put here... so, my life sux, but still I'm glad that even tho it sux I have u guys, n I know i can help, but sometimes, it hit me, the same story told to me 2 times, once in church once in primary...
the story

there was once a man, who came across a cacoon. Day and night he would come n visit this cacoon. Then at one point when he came n had a look, he saw an insect trying to get out, this insect was struggling real hard to get out of it's cacoon. The man felt sorry for the insect(butter fly) so he decided to help, after all ir seemed ok, so he took his siccors from his car... n sniped the tp of the cacoon. the insect got out with ease.... after that, the man watched for hours, he was waiting for this butterfly to spread it's wings n fly away. The butterfly was dark.. n it's wings was always low, it could never fly again...(butterfflys struggled out of a cacoon, so that all the juice would be pushed up to the wings n it will open up and become bueatiful.... as for this struggles were made so that we could get success at the end...)

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

well... every time befor i sleep this one phrase keeps coming back into me... It's somethign some one once said to me..., you marry a companion not a lover... well I dunno keeps coming back to my head isit right I'm not sure... but i guess it's correct... hmmm, the other day BLOODY SOING HING acted liek a sLUT!!! gurl who wanted to meet me in sunway college n told ne to bring a vcondam o.O what a BUGGER!!!! grrr... alll this time it hought that every one was wrong about him you know.,.. about the bluffinfg of the so called 'rumour...' but i can see it clearly now he's a lying peioce of... *BEEEEP* ../. sigh.. it doesn't matter... hmm bin wandering where eva's been... need her helkp in java scrupt n all i wanna know how to do all those cool animated affects!!!, ne howz Chris I'm off...