Walls break again why?!

The Wall around me is crumbling leaving me as an easy victum once again, the other day I fought abt my religon... sigh it's not for me to say who is right or wrong only God knows, we are all human, there's no super man, if there was hes kept secert for a reason....
As I think back.... I thought it's just an internet Gal, I'll get over it... but now.. I feel the scars as they burst open.. in my heart blood overflows my body, the so called fortitude of my wall crumbles, my shield rusts, my amour falls, my sword breaks... I am strong... but weakened... why wtf is wrong with me.... I said it's over.. but i still feel the heaviness, maybe it's coz she got married in a game,,, Sighs in great disgreefe... any wayz she gonaa marry in real life any way... I wonder is this how ash n mit feel abt one another... missing the old days, missing the time they spent together... the only thign is that theirs was real...
I wonder what real love is? is love even a word, u marry a companion not a lover, so tell me what is the whole point of love.... it's such a complicated word, kills u inside... man I'm a semi Vampire... I feel my self detirating... crumbling before my very own self.... but why, no need in it, heavy heart, strong will.... one day I will find some one... just not today i keep saying to myself, I say I will never have one till after my studies, and why am i cryign for one? what am i lusting for..... thristing for.... but I shouldn't... it's my heart my weak spot peirced... like a vamp i should die... but unlike a vamp I just feel pain n live... scars heal but why do they reburst.... I dunno anymore... I will heal I WILL HEAL, FFS HEAL... :( why!