what is life really?

Soem times I wonder, what is life, we die... we live.. life goes on. I wonder, why cant we live in the past and we must live now? isnt the past what makes you who you are today, I guess its coz of all the depth of cutting edge of evilness in it.... , The fact is, I'm not focusing on that point... it's just WHEN ever I try to help some one... things just dont want me to help, for exsample... a friend is in need, on msn or the phone say... they are havign a hard time, and feelign very uneasy. Then, do you knwo what my phone or net will do, it'll cut off... it's liek they dpont want me to help... I guess its for the best. I just wanna help so bad... But things just push me away. I HATE IT. just i wanna help, sigh... I feel so useless.. so small... so pathetic... say at this present moement Iw as to disapear fromt he net and my phone was not being picked up from any one... would any one notice anythign.. probally think ah well... he was a gd person.. gd friend balbalbal. guess he didnt wanna come on any more. but the real fact was I was dead? ppl dont take these things in to consider.. so i dont blame them... to extereme... and I dont think they should think about i.. coz if I died, I think npo one would care but my famliy only coz I was the only boy in my family... I try, i do... I wanna suceed, strive for greatness.. but doesnt thigns just bash you down... liek the church says, if you dont get rid of your flaws nwo... satan will let u go on wiht life... when u hit your greaess moement he'll destroy you, sigh... ah wells, I'm pretty sure my amour is fastened on me... bleh I mean jeng cares... btu she has a life now.. wait she always had a life. would Sam care.. I doubt it. Oh well who killed Chris, he died on himself oh ok, what an idiot.... mit, ah wells prehaps she would... yea, but wait... she wants to hack ppl down so I'm guessing nope coz I'm sure she would have been happy to hack me down i guess... Eva... she wouldnt know... she'd just think I'm still roiung.. mat bleh in ausienland wouldnt knwo either... same goes with duy. all my uk friends would know.. Ash... he wouldnt know.. he never calls I never call... Crys... well I guess she would. I guyess I i would live coz of her... well... just a friend I just go tthat message through the phone from her... she dun wanna be close friends... but just friends, I guess I'm cool with that... (Spider:what are you kidding your self?) (Chris: nope not at all.. I'm cool wiht it man, you should piss of, I dun wanna hear form you again...sigh)(spider... fine you go sulk SULK UNTILL YOU DIE see what happens, not even I will care yea your right I won't nor will this world SO GO DIE!)

Sighs... maybe spider is right? maybe I should.... but its something very stupid to do... ytet it's somehting very inviting...see, just now when Crys called... I couldn't help her... I feel bad... I will take a bullet for all of my friends... and most of all... I will , and i hope.. that when God sees any one kill another.. i guess... I hope... I really do, that he'll forgive you.

*sighs Spider you still there?... are you? hello? sigh... alone once more.... I need to chat to ash, clsoe friend of mine... I feel so troubled. but I dont wanna toruble him... ARGH hope he's assed his liscence... hope he's enjoyign life, hope he's not sucidal I soudn liek a bloody hypocrit... Ash you a close friend to me ya?... reason i called you almost every night in school days buddy... well I doubt he'll be reading this... heck I doubt any one would. (spider:I'm here i read it... are you ok man... I'm sorry abt earlier...)(Chris:what to do.... I feel so lost, as if i lost a friend...)(Spider: seems you have... one that you thoguht would be close... but u just lost it huh? I know its bad, but cheer up plenty of fishes in the sea...)(Chris: yea I'm glad... I was cut, I'm glad... but I hate having scars in ma heart...)(Spider:dude.. is that all you ever thinka bout.... yea.. I knwo every time you heal the scars get deeper! ya ya balbalbla... doesnt mean you should cry over it)(Chris:... what do you mean cry? I never cried over it)(Spider: coime on man I'm in you I can hear the bloody cries STOP CRYING... it's starting to piss me off...)(Chris: wait.. which part of my body do u live in...)(Spider: your heart...)(Chris:oh...)
(Chris: thanks Spider.. I really need to thank you for being beside me...)(Spider: no [probs thanks man for putting me into games... I mean in Counter strike haha XD I have learned to frag so many... epps sorry man I lost my concentration.. i forgot you were down Really I am)(Chris: naw it's alright... =) I was playign with you we kick ass!)(Spider: heh yea man... dude, Don't do any thing stupid... I'll make sure you dont I'll make your hand punh you unconsience before u kill youself...)(Chris: woah thats harsh... but i guess you are in my heart.. so you must be like my caringness...uh oh well best stop b4 we freak every one out...)(Spider: Roger that!!)


Well some times I think it's nice to talk to myself, regardless of what you think I bet you many ppl who hold alot of problems do this as well.. maybe, I'm justr geussing..