So far life has been like a roller-coaster or a battle for the past few months.
I would say that God has been making me experience an incredible journey. Recently I fell in a continuous battle that I have been trying to fight against for a long time. Later, I came into realisation that God has put equipment out for me to fight with. I'll be honest here I am not perfect... I struggle with sin and a lot of times, fall into it..
There was a time God told me that He does not force me to stray away from temptations that might lead to sin, but instead l equipped me to stand against it I was full of joy. In Ephesians 6:13-18 it mentions the entire amour of Christ and how we are now equipped. I was full of joy, everyday a battle always resulted in victory, it seemed like it was becoming more and more easy to fight the temptations, with the knowing I was equipped and able to do it.
A week or two later, He prepared me for a week of mission. Everyday single day, I would tell Him to lead and guide me through the trip, I had total dependency on Him. Each day I was filled and emptied to minister to souls in Sarawak, an experience unparalleled to any I have ever had. I will always be thankful to God that his glory was shown through us and that none that I did, could really say I was strong, its always God and not me.
Upon departing back to KL, I was saddened that I had to leave the kids and could not minister to them longer, God placed into my heart something a while back, that was confirmed through this trips experience.
Never the less, back to KL there was no time to rest, it was time to prepare for youth, again I left it all to God again, but like a loving Father, He got me very excited, giving me a knowing that something amazing would happen in youth. As the days passed, I continued to pray until youth on Saturday.
Alas Saturday arrived, with much anticipation, many things happened in the morning to afternoon just before youth. I got agitated and somewhat sad, it could have ruined my whole day if I let it linger over me, it was like a dark cloud of thunder hovering over me and making my life a very shaky one, in my head I was asking my self, why now? and how can this be so, I am not gonna have a good youth like this. During all the discomfort of thoughts, I turned to God, my Father in heaven, I spoke and said, I can't believe this, I cannot coordinate if I stay like this, youth was meant to be a good thing God!
As the storms brewed I recalled that He was stronger than the storms, this is what we have been speaking about throughout the entire Mission trip, Jesus is stronger than any storm, so I said Be Still, and proceeded to calm down, and be lead to follow some instructions :) which need not be mentioned here. Youth came about, and instead of anger and hurt, I was full of joy and peace so much so that people were wondering if I had won some super prize, but alas, it was just the joy of the Lord! which to say, is actually better than winning anything! everything went according to God's plan and I believe amazing things happened there, I will always thank God for allowing me to go to youth no matter the situation that day.
So there we have it, I felt great going higher an higher, feeling like an eagle soaring in the sky, effortlessly flowing with God, need not worry about what was to come because everything seemed perfect, Sunday came, a day of wedding and Monday arrived and went by, nothing really bugged me and frankly I was still high up in the sky soaring... When suddenly I felt like the wind stopped keeping me up in the sky and I nose dived into the ground. You can imagine how broken one can get when they come to that point.
Strangely enough it was during prayer, I felt something amiss, something not of God.. like emptiness, it must have been me, because people were still ministering in tongues, praying hard, not to say God never put anything in my heart to pray, but something was missing at the end of it. The feeling bugged my heart and I left prayer with a heavy heart. Now don't get me wrong, prayer wasn't the problem, the problem was something was attacking me and I was not guarded for it. I got home with a heavy heart, thinking perhaps we missed something in prayer, which I didn't hear get prayed out. Texted a friend who said nothing was amiss.
This is when Wednesday arrived... my heart was not in good shape, and naturally thinking I am equipped with all I need to fight, I fought, I fought vigorously. The day went on and I was knackered, fighting a battle blocking with my shield, slashing with my sword... hoping and fighting... I fell asleep and woke on Thursday. The day seemed okay, and I thought was in the clear, going through the day and returning home after work, I was struck by a temptation I knew so well, perhaps it was pride, or something that rung and said, I am equipped! I thought I could fight it... my confidence soared.. But I took a blow to the left, then to the right... in the stomach and on the back, I tried to lift my shield but it was heavy, my sword could not swing, I was losing strength... and eventually with enough beating, I dropped my amour and fell at the feet of temptation. The battle was over, triumphant temptation took me as a trophy and threw me full force at sin. I sinned! I could not believe it, I fell and I was so disappointed. I feared to tell anyone, and looked to God in shame, I said I am useless, even with your equipment I fail... I have brought shame to this house and deserve death! I don't deserve to be blessed or saved, I deserver to be punished!
Amongst the pain and remorse, the anger and regret.. I came to realisation that I had to die! that was the key, but not a death of a physical one, and not a spiritual suicide either, but a death to die to sin! I struggled to find out how to die, I was so persistent to die to sin, but I did not know how! I searched and goggled, I even thought to somehow commit spiritual suicide in order to die to sin. Little by little it was getting clearer, it had to do with something that Christ had done, to die with Him somehow, but HOW?! I always hear people say we died with Christ and rose again ect, but I didn't know how to die!
Then, I stumbled upon this scripture:
"1 Peter 2:24
He personally carried our sins in his body on the cross so that we can be dead to sin and live for what is right. By his wounds you are healed." NLT
I came to realization it's not something I can do! instead, It's something Christ DID and I have now DIED. I accepted it I said, You died on the cross so now I am dead too to sin. I was happy to have found this scripture, but still it was not enough. God spoke to me, He said BE STILL and KNOW THAT I AM GOD a scripture in Psalms 36:10. I wondered, "What is it to BE STILL?" I said yes God I will be still I won't move. Rejecting much things that required me to move and be busy, letting go of serving for this week and just resting on Him. I got most of it right, but I did not get the true meaning of be still. I was lead to research on it more, and came to find out that it means to BE WEAK! to LET GO literally LET GO. So it came to the point when I let go of my equipment, and became weak, I said to God, I am weak I am useless and you are God, I really just leave it to you, in my mind an image appeared, instead of me fighting restlessly with the equipment received, as one would, with the skills he knows and how he sees it to fight and how he would do things, it became, God holding on to the arms of mine and TRAINING me how to fight, LEADING me where to strike and where to block, it was less of I CAN TO DO IT and more of YOU LEAD I FOLLOW. I has come to me, to be weak is to really just let go of every pride, everything. Trust God and let Him lead. That's the best way.
It's still an on going process, I should not doubt, but neither will I say I WONT DO IT again, but as long as HE IS LEADING, HE will help me out of it, of this I am sure, I should just be still and know He is God!
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