A new year!

Wow it's already a new year.. amazing how time flies by haha xD, this year is gonna be a tough and interesstign year I reakon, FINAL YEAR WOHOO*COUGHS* naw actually not wohoo... I'm too young to go and work!!! but then again, who cares :P who evers reading this is probally saying, quit your whining life goes on. Haha, and you know what YOUR RIGHT AHHAHAHAHA. But whats the harm in a lil whinning now and again, it's fun xP. Well I just arrived back form UK on saturday. interessting time there, it snowed once :O yea you read it right it SNOWED IN CARDIFF it's like a rarity... haha. But the snow didn't last long unfortunatly. it hardly rained which is like so awesome, no rain in winter what a blessing!

I got tonnes of new things, so mucht hat I had to eat some sweets so that my baggage wouldn't be over wieght haha xD. every one says I look fatter, but I don't weigh fatter :P. it's probally coz all the food went to my cheeks n puffed me up a lil. lolx. oo Christmas was cool.. I got an electronic bible !!! man now thats neat hahaha. I had roast wioth proper gravy ohhh.... *drribles* lol some things you just can't get back here in Malaysia.

oo on the way back on the plane it was kinda funny, this woman was talkign to me just as we were landing askign me if it would rain alot, and she said it doesnt rain as much as the east coast in this time of the year right?... I weas like yea... the east coast floods but it's the moonsoon season isn't it? I told her that and she says oh I hope it doesn't rainf or the 3 weeks when shes over, and I'm sure it won't lol. She came with her whole family of 4 and a sister in law(ok I know thats part of the family too haha) I'm glad people visit malaysia all excited, it's nice to see a smiling face when ur on a plane or any where really haha. :D p.s she was not young and yes she was probally as old as my mother or older hahaxD. so don't you lil readers think of me flirting xP. besides I'm a bad flirter hahahhaha.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YEAAAAA I GOT AN XBOX 360!! YEA U HEARD ME 360 sixtttttyyyyy yeeeaaaaa mwhahahahhahhahahhahaha that should keep me off dota and ro for a while :P not that ro is dead in my books, I might hook on to WoW or guild wars(which all my friends are currently playign haha). mmm 360...., boo uni starts on thursday.. yea gay eh? DEFINATLY I DUNN WANNANANANNANA GO BACK YET :( Let me rest for another erm... year? hahahaha oh well the show must go on (or the life).

oh to all you readers out there hope u have a wonderful new year God loves ya, trust me, if you don't believe me go to your nearest Church and ask , does God really Love me?:P he loves you and so do I :P but God loves you so much more!!! GOD BLESS YA ALL

BE SURE TO CHAT IN THE CHAT BOX THING I GOT erm scroll all the way down to see it =} looking forward to chattign to all ya fans(as if I had any XD)

You know I don't know why I bother to actually post a blog any more. I dont think any one actually reads it any more but if they do hey, your welcome to:).
I dunno, I guess feelings are tossing and turning, but not for the worste I guess, you know I used to be depressed sometimes and mean at others, probally still quite mean haha, but that doesnt matter =pp. Well to tell you whats happening I have been in uk for the past few weeks, it's fairly cold, but it seems ok to me. I am going to move to my finall year of degree, and I've been having a splended time with my sisters and mum over here. And of course the most important thing in my life is God, In malaysia Ive grown very close to him n known him more and more. it's amazing what he reveals no matter where I am.

The other day when my mum was driving home it hit me, the only place I have been depressed is in malaysia, but during the time of thinking about it. I felt that my Life is actually worth living for once, I felt happy n filled with Joy and the Lord is so wonderful hes the one that gave me the reason!

well May God bless you all bad good, alike... Jesus Died for us all, and we are all bad. I just pray for the ones not saved that you wil one day open your eyes and feel the Joy of the Lord... Adios and God bless!

Chapter 6

The pow'r of distraction

Finally it was nearing the end of my first year in college. Christmas was coming up and I was really excited, brought back memories of when I was in UK. The carols, presents, smiles and of course giving thanks to the Lord. But I had to get myself together, because before the holidays came I had to study for a big final exam so I can get my first year certificate. I was getting tensed up and all trying to buckle down and study.

So one month before the exams I had been asking the lecturers for more and more tips, and all they said were "Well, Spire. Here's your tip, Read through all my notes and I'll grantee you pass." I started to feel so Frustrated at that point.. I could visualize it.. A Thermometer Reaching it's top and bursting out.. I thought I had reached my absolute limit of hearing that phrase.. Read my notes, as I looked down I could see my hands stiffening into a fist shape.. Yet with all the pressure I felt I realized that there was no point getting angry over it. After all what they say is true, I took in a deep breath and nodded my head.

One week had past and I haven't had any sleep at all. You could see the bloodshot in my eyes, and the veins popping out of me, due to the lack of sleep, I had eyes like a panda, yet I was weak as a worm. When Sunday approached I went to church and Matthew saw the condition I was in. He asked that If I was ok, and I just said, it was school and all. Later after church they got together with me and prayed over me.

The following Monday I woke up and one of my class mates introduced me to a MMPORPG game, and told me it would release a bit of stress. So I thought I had nothing to lose and tried it out. On that very day I did nothing but play on the MMPORPG game.. I couldn't get myself away from the PC.. I was hooked, never the less he was right it did release a lot of stress.Day in Day out I couldn't stop talking about the game and how amazing it was, let alone playign it non stop... 2weeks past me by, and I had not been keeping track of time.. On the second week of that Sunday whiles I went to church, the pastor was talking about the power of distraction.. He challenged us to study 3 hours a day, and told us how the Devil has only the power of distraction... He will send distractions form every where trying to keep you away from God's blessings.. The more distracted we are the closer we were... Charge through quitting points.. At that moment of time it struck me. OH NO.. God was actually talking to me at that service.. And I realized that 2 weeks had past and my exam was just 1 week away...

I started to buckle down and banned myself from going on the PC.. I told my sisters to use it non stop and pull the plugs and hide them. I made sure I studied, and when I grew tired of studying I would read the bible.. Time past and one night felt like a couple of nights. I fell asleep on my books and woke up of bed the next morning," OH NO!!! I'm late I'm late.." I panicked and ran around trying to get overtaking together. I quickly drove to college recklessly which almost made me meet an accident.

The Day of the exam. I was nevous.. My hands were shaking and I was breaking cold sweat.I took deep breaths and stayed in focus, I could see a whole row of students looking anxiously at the clock.. waiting for it to hit 1:30 the time where the papers would start. and every second got closer all the students in that room gripped tighter and tighter to their pens.. " ALRIGHT EVERYONE YOU MAY BEGIN!" you could here a huge russle like a wave of leaves as the students turned over their first pages.. I was zooming through the papers.. In my head I was relieved.. My studyign paid off all the questions that came out were the same as the questions I studied... As an hour past I could see more and more students passing by me leaving the exam hall with a grin in their faces. I started to get anxious. I wanted to do nothing but to finish the paper as fast as possible.. There was 1 hour left.. And the last half an hour we would not be allowed ot exit the exam hall I thought to myself I want to leave 30 mins before, So I managed to finish the paper in 20 min and took 10 min to check for errors and mistakes. At the 30th minute I waved my paper in the air and gave it to the teacher. as they announced now you may not leave the exam hall until the paper has finished.

I took a deep breath and smiled... Then thought to myself I should not get too distracted again next time.. Even thought I knew I would... And so the holidays have begun...

Not part of the story, just some self talking :)

One day, one day... I will die and be free of this world!, world of torment.. and evil and things...
But I ask you, I have life on my right hand, death on the other... why do you continue to choose death over life?
Why? LIFE is but a torment... a torture.. suffering, and well death is a ticket out of it all.
What makes you so sure, death is a ticket out? if life is a torment, what more is Death!
How can death be a torment, if all you feel is nothing!
Who told you that there was no pain or suffering after death?, why are you so selfish.. selfcentered! your so foolish in your thinking... death is a ticket out. out into a new world of suffering.. but you don't realise that it's maybe not you whose suffering... but your spirit!
Is it not we reach heaven after this place of suffering... a place of paradise, a reason to go on...
yes... are you not blind? is that not another life... if life is such a torment. then why do u want to go to heaven?
If I don't die, how will I go to heaven?
You poor old minded person! you live on earth, and you can enjoy heaven NOW! on earth..
Well what if there is no heaven after death? then there is nothign to worry for!
If so, I say to you... That suffering will come FROM your death! Rather then from your life... think open your eyes, and you will see why! you can' take it! but why cause more torment by choosing death... I leave u with this and that is all I leave you with.

No no... WAIT! come back... you never told me why there is more torment...

( can you guys figure it out! hope so... the most loney person in this world, isn't the person without friends... nor is it the person with friends. It is the person with no compassion... no reason to live, but every one has a reason to live. If you don't I suggest you go to your closest church and ask loads of Questions about God to a Pastor/priest.)

Chris, the person who is in constant torment, from bad habbits and a broken heart... no matter how much I try.. I fail.. I wish she felt what I feel and know how badly she punched me. but she shall never know. Because she has be sliced...

Chapter 5

Recovery

So, now at the age of 18... Few months after my beloved had died, I went back to Asia to finish my studies. Constantly keeping in touch with Lucia's Little sister, Jane. As I was going through my degree, I was starting to go down hill... Every night I would have a dream constantly bombarding me, of how she was raped.. How they killed Fred. I almost failed my whole semester that year. Until lecturers started to realize, and decided to get a consultant in for me. They slowly advised me to go see the consultant every break I had, though I found it annoying, I guessed it was for my best.

The consultant would often start off like, 'How are you?' ,' have you been practicing the steps I been teaching you?', ' Still having those dreams?', ect. My consultant's name was Matthew. Amazingly enough he was actually the same age as me.as the end of my semester came, he advised me not to take the exams until I was totally recovered. Without even coming to tell me he wrote a letter to my department telling me that I should take the rest of this semester off and start fresh the next Sem. The next day when I found out what he had done, I was furious, storming into his office I screame dout ' WHAT THE HECK MAN?, HOW CAN YOU STOP ME FROM DOING THE REST OF MY SEMESTER, YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME, WHY?! GIVE ME A GOOD REASON!!!',
relax Spire... Chill, It's not the end of the world.. It's for your best'
'MY BEST?, HOW WOULD YOU KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR ME?! HAVE YOU LOST SOME ONE YOU LOVED SO DEARLY BEFORE?!, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW HOW I FEEL!'
'oh, .. SO YOU THINK IT'S EASY TO BE A CONSULTANT?!, I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU OUT AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS SCREAM AT ME?, YOU THINK I AIN'T LOST SOME ONE THAT IS DEAR TO ME?, WELL YOUR VERY WRONG..' right at that moment, he sat back down, and looked down. As he calmed down, he said in a low pitch, 'yes, I have.. I lost my parents... They died after a robbery when I was in school, I still don't believe it... They not only had to take all our things, but they had to take my parents too... It wasn't easy for me too you know. That's when I decided to become a Consultant. I wanted to help others that were like me, to recover... I'm sorry Spire, perhaps what I did was stupid.. If you want I'll write a letter saying you can continue.'
At that very moment, I felt sorry for him. I paused and looked down. 'I'm sorry Mat, I didn't know... Well it's ok.. I guess if it's for my best I'll go through with it. I'm sorry to hear about your parents.. Your forgiven', as I looked up and smiled I said, ' let's go out for a drink some time, I want to know you better instead of always seeing you as a consultant.'
He Laughed saying 'Yea sure, why not. Better than me seeing you always as a client.'
We both bursted out laughing, after that we talked a little and I went home.

That night my phone rang, it was Jane, she sounded happy and excited.
'GUESS WHAT?!'
'What?'
'Kor!!!!, I said Guess'
'haha, alright.. You scored all A's in your Exam?'
'err.. no haha, I wish'
'what? You wish?!, you can do it I know you can, your a smart girl'
'haha thanks kor. I wanted to tell you that I meet this sweet guy today, he was soo nice to me.he asked me out... But I don't know what to say.'
'Say your not interested', I teased
'Kor!!! this is serious man. You really think I should?'
'Naw of course not dearies, do what your heart tells you to.'
'ah alright, cool. Thanks Kor your da best!'
'of course, jk jk'
'hehe, so when are you going to come back?'
'Maybe Next year summer or something'
'ah cool'
Hours later the conversation ended, and on that very night I had the best sleep ever. I instead of getting terrible images, they were sweet nice images, of the good times I had with Lucia.

The next day I woke up smiling.I was so happy that I couldn't stop smiling through out the day. As I went to my usual consultant hour Matthew gave me a curious look, I was like what??.
He replied, 'Your rather jolly today'
'Haha Yea man, I haven't had a good sleep like yesterday for ages.'
oh, got some good news I take it?'
'Nah man, Good news don't come often now a days. I guess it's thanks to you, that I know that I am not alone any more. That I was never alone and that I have to cherish every good moment I had with her'
'Yea man thats the way, I think next Sem you will pass with flying colours!!, keep up this attitude and you would probally catch up to your previous buddies'
We laughed, and continued witht he consultation, but it wasn't like any other consultation I had been to, It was more like a time of sharing, and the thing that touched us most was when I talked about Lucia saying at least in heaven there will be no pain, or hurt no tears. Then out of absolutely no where I asked him, if he would want to come to church, he was reluctant at first as he lost faith in God long ago when his parents died. But then he decided he would try it out.

So every Sunday we made it a habit to wake up in the morning and go to church, eventually our faith started to grow, as we found out what Jesus did for us and all. Not only that, but because we knew that some one up there cared for us dearly as well as those we loved are up there looking down at us. We started to participate more in church and became very active Christians. As the Semester ended, we were a bit sad, coz I had to go back to studying. But We said to each other that we will still make the effort to go out to church on Sundays, and hang out the whole day after church. I kept on telling my lil sis(pet sis, Jane) about what Christ had done and she started to listen and grew in faith, yet she never had the time to know him personally, she always told me she had no time and that every time she wanted to go to church she becomes lazy and thinks it's boring, or something comes up. I kept on encouraging her to go, then I made a Vow that I would take her to church when I got back to UK. She accepted my vow and wa slooking forward to it. I too am hoping that I was able to go back and tell her about what Christ done for me while sI was in Asia, and how it's mor elike a relationship, rather than a religion, ect...

('don't be afraid to love again, Don't lose faith.').