Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Walls break again why?!


The Wall around me is crumbling leaving me as an easy victum once again, the other day I fought abt my religon... sigh it's not for me to say who is right or wrong only God knows, we are all human, there's no super man, if there was hes kept secert for a reason....
As I think back.... I thought it's just an internet Gal, I'll get over it... but now.. I feel the scars as they burst open.. in my heart blood overflows my body, the so called fortitude of my wall crumbles, my shield rusts, my amour falls, my sword breaks... I am strong... but weakened... why wtf is wrong with me.... I said it's over.. but i still feel the heaviness, maybe it's coz she got married in a game,,, Sighs in great disgreefe... any wayz she gonaa marry in real life any way... I wonder is this how ash n mit feel abt one another... missing the old days, missing the time they spent together... the only thign is that theirs was real...
I wonder what real love is? is love even a word, u marry a companion not a lover, so tell me what is the whole point of love.... it's such a complicated word, kills u inside... man I'm a semi Vampire... I feel my self detirating... crumbling before my very own self.... but why, no need in it, heavy heart, strong will.... one day I will find some one... just not today i keep saying to myself, I say I will never have one till after my studies, and why am i cryign for one? what am i lusting for..... thristing for.... but I shouldn't... it's my heart my weak spot peirced... like a vamp i should die... but unlike a vamp I just feel pain n live... scars heal but why do they reburst.... I dunno anymore... I will heal I WILL HEAL, FFS HEAL... :( why!

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Well, this post is no help for any of u but myself.. so here goes...
hmm I reallyl want some one to talk to, now adays every oen seeems so parted... or not so clsoe... I guess the only right person to talk to is God, he knwos what I am thinking any wayz... soem times I just get so worke dup with jelousy n then wonder why i am jelous of nothing.... why anger flows through my body like my very own blood n flesh... why I want to be so free, yet i dfeel so caged, today i took communion n I am not baptisted... I wonder if it was right or wrong... I've been having these feeeligns of anger so relentessly I've become such an easy target to be provoked... and such and bad person.... usually, I shoudl be a gd per��������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������
Well, this post is no help for any of u but myself.. so here goes...
hmm I reallyl want some one to talk to, now adays every oen seeems so parted... or not so clsoe... I guess the only right person to talk to is God, he knwos what I am thinking any wayz... soem times I just get so worke dup with jelousy n then wonder why i am jelous of nothing.... why anger flows through my body like my very own blood n flesh... why I want to be so free, yet i dfeel so caged, today i took communion n I am not baptisted... I wonder if it was right or wrong... I've been having these feeeligns of anger so relentessly I've become such an easy target to be provoked... and such and bad person.... usually, I shoudl be a gd person.. but now a days I swear... n curse.... which i didn't use to do... soem times I hate myself to the poitn where Imy head can't cope any longer... I just feel like bursting out Destroyign everything... or just laying down n die..... btu i knwo it;;s not the wisest choice... Jesus has been here.. he';s probally the very exsistance of me being here, n still sane i suppose... I'd be permentantly lost every time i fall if it weren't for him... I rely on my friends they only put me down... I mean look at this world every thing seems to be going away and away... look at ash he as his friends... he can talk abt problems to them.... I really wanted to talk to him abt problems coz he listens n he's a gd friend... it hoguht of talkign to Jeng abt it but she seems to have changed alot,,, Eva... well lets put it this way when shes online I dun seem to have any anger or rage in me at that time... or my cuz is over I act or seem very liek the joyful n play ful type of person.... I dunno but this is all ranting... I really need to get this all out,... whats happening now in the world... what friends did i have in malaysia.,... I even look back and wonder what friends did i reallyl have the probally only friend i had in uk was sam... he helped alot i suppose i mean at least we could hang out n chat n all... mMalaysia... I wasn't a big hit or anythign... poeple knew me they just didn't reallly talk to me... I dunno do i seem socail or totally anti socail... or maybe it's all to do with my turst n they not trusting me... ahhh usually thier busy as i said a friend in malaysia would probally be Ash but he's busy now a days.... as for mit... shes very specail to me... shes my first pet sis.... and has much on her hand I want the pbest for her coz she dun deserve to live the way she is living her life... ahving doubts n everyhting.... I wish there is somehtign i can do but shes just to reluctant to accept Christ prehaps one day some one will come and help her through her life... maybe it could be me.. helping her now.. .but i really doubt it... but it's her mind n her body... hwo would i know what she is thinkning njust alll assumptions... man i been typing like speedo for this past 20 min of this post welll i best end it off now 3 23 now... ok htis is.....
Chris

....

Sighinign


offf....
forrr
now...

Friday, August 20, 2004

Puzzle


Ever wondered... or been puzzled about life? you'd think life is a liek a rollar coaster... Ups and downs... thrills n sickness... but I find life more like a puzzle.... it's like you put every peice together... but can never find the missing peice... you are so curious u venture back n forth... And when you finally find it... u see it it looks wonderful... but realise it was a wrong piece that just fitted into the the missing slot... you'd get fustrated wonder where on earth is this piece... u find it.. you complete it... you fall inlove with it...(abit extreme but hey who knows) and it's so fragile that one slip it falls into pieces again... you sigh... in great grief sadness over comes u, you cry, as you can't handle the pain of putting it back to gether... and when you start to get yourself together... u start the puzzle all over again in a little cycle... untill one day, it's framed, and nothign can hurt it , bullet proff glass and fire proff paint, wood that can never be rotted or burnt... nothing..., that is the time when u are reliefed... and have great rest and achievement...

this is Chris, Curious abt mit, curious abt ash, and curious abt whats happening now... (Curiosity killed the cat, but the cat lived another 8 times...)

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Now i know...


hmm... ever wondered why Farthers are so screwed up? hah... no thier not:P so erase that out of your head... Really it's all about care... I guess there are different ways of care... one is strict... shout n lecture u all you do is when he turns around curse n shout or sit there wondering why is this world so messed up... You'll unravel that through expereince..
OR
theres that motherly love... if u never had a strict mother... one that would hold ya hand through troubles.. one that will help u soilve your problems... u are reliefed... but even though that love is given to you... you some times dey it.. nto wantign to lose... so either way u sit down n still wonder wth is wronf with this world again...
, A fine exsample of motherly love... it's ok dear there's al;ways another time
...a fine respomnse to it...
WHAT U MEAN ANOTHER TIME.... NO WAY I BLEW IT THERES NOT OTHER CHANCE ARgh WHY DUN U UNDERStaND!
,Fine exsample of stric caring...
Don't Cook u just came out of hospitol da doc said u arn't alowed to cook, lemme do it for u.. u go and rest...
A fine response...
( yea ok thanks)...<< i wish... NO U GO AWAY I'M DOING IT U HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO COOK JUST LET ME DO IT!!!(YES... THATS AN REAL EXSAMPLE THROUGH MY EXPEREINCE<<SO either way u reject why not accept...
Now I knwo how the stubborness of humans Got God angry too...
So much care n we reject... it's a shame... nto all of us are liek this... I'm glad we still have ones that endure the care n love... it's not rarte it's every where... just u think it's so far away yet it's so close...
Chris sighning off...