Missing ...

I said no more sad posts.. but you know I really feel like posting this one...

This post is dedicated to my only grand pap that was alive when i was born... He was a very tall man.. 6 foot tall.. but I only saw him a few times in my entire life... He passed away last year...

To think he didn't even get to see how I've grown.. wonder what was in his heart? to not be able to see his grand children much.. wonder if he expected it? though he smoked, which I didn't really like.. but some how I miss him..

It brings tears to my eyes... I feel like.. I didn't really get to know him... why is life so fragile God? it's like time flies by so fast... and we take every moment for granted... when each second is actually a veyr precious second... Where instead of sitting in front of computer games we could be sitting with our parents watching tv.. talking about whats happening..

Some how computer has drawn over it all.. hidden in this chamber of the house... making me lose every opportunity of getting to spend precious time with family... I'm kinda sad I don't get to see my grand paps.. next time i go miri... I'm sad.. I want my grand ma to see me at least once within these 12 months... so I can just hug her once,... My grand ma on my mum's side.. so she can see her grand child... how he has grown...

God please keep her within you... continue to encourage her, let her not feel she is a burden, but instead let her feel she is needed... make her feel that she is full of life, to enjoy every moment of it, even tho... her husband has gone to pass... let her smile again... send an angel to guide and comfort her oh Lord.. I am just human oh God...

These tears.. I can feel... very strongly oh Lord.. I havn't had these tears.. since.. the last I thought of such things... don't answer my prayers coz of my tears God... answer them coz you love her God... Father.. Take care of her...

Thanks Oh Father... Thanks...

With love,
-Chris

Hurting inside..


I'm so sad... and hurt in my heart... I feel like I have grown bitter.. I feel like this world is so forsaken.. and dead.. I know God's around.. I dunno why I feel this way..

I just wish to see my dear happy again oh God.. can you make her smile? can you take this pain from her...? Is there any way? can you please annoint her hands and mind that she is able to doall this.. surround her with loving people.. I feel so sad deep down..

oh God.. I feel so useless... why can't I say the right things? why can't I take her mind off the assignments... or why can't I encourage her? why do I go so crazy for her God?...

My mind wonders and I worry God.. I worry like crazy... I knwo it's bad.. I wish I didn't... I feel the tears gathering in my heart.. like a well filling up with water... I just wish.. I am stressed God... work is ok.. but I want to learn more... Praise team wasn't as vibrant why do I still wanna complain?... God oh God...

I wanna cry so badly... I want to be loved.. oh God.. I need to know that she loves me... not just by words oh God...

I am going crazy... I wanna just lay here, I feel like escaping the world... but why? I feel this world is drowning in the darkness.. Oh God shine your light...

I am so mixed! what is it in my heart!!! Does she hate me God? is that why she has been ignoring my smses? is that why she has ignored my calls? never returning even one... is that why she doesn't bother to call me once anymore just to talk?

I can't bear the hurt oh God... this burden I lift to you... I can't stand it to the point I cant sleep now... I wish she'd pick up the phone.. but I know she won't.. shes too tired.. then tmr she has this survival thing with her cg.. I know it's a good thing.. but no hp nothing.. sigh.. another suspense for me..

I am going CRAZY God... please... please.. help :(
I need rest..

I need love...

I need assurance...

God bring me back to you... again.. I am so sad... so sad... I can't bottle it up anymore... so I pour to you here.. God.. help me.. God help me...

=(
-Chris

Only to you...

Dear God,

I'm really feeling burdened, I feel like I am trying to hard, or maybe I am doing too much and making things worste? as I fail to meet peoples expectation... The better I try to be, the more people demand, it's as if every person in this world was your boss haha... wanting mroe of you everyday...

But i don't mind trying my best to please people... I really don't... I know it's bad to expect something in return, and honestly Father I try not too... But could you help me to not want.. I feel really awkward when I don't want. Especially those close to me, I understand their busy and all.. but when I want to talk to them when their not, I'd really love them to listen. I'm so glad you put friends in my life that do, to state 2 would be Alicia and Katrina. Thanks God for putting these 2 sisters in my life, also brother Jerm. I really thank you God that these few people are in my life..when I am down you bring them to me to cheer me up. They know for some reason what my heart is yearning for... it's as if you bring them in at the right timing.

I also thank you God for Florence :) I really appreciate you putting her as a mini shepherd over a period of time in my life. I pray you always guide her and lead her into your glory God. They have given me much joy, and are the joy bringers in my life :) Thanks God.

it's bad to expect i know... but sometimes I wish I'd get a surprise.. or something from the one dearest to me... a hand written or made gift.. or something small.. just to show me some sort of love.. that doesn't only come by words... God I know it's bad to expect. I don't want something big.. maybe just questions to explore more about me? or to be interested in me? I dunno.. I really dunno... I'm trying my best to change God I am.. but I'm glad your the one who renews my spirit...

God oh God... my heart desires more of you... and at times I get confused.. I just wish I had mroe of you... :)

Thanks God for listening

Your beloved son,
Chris

Given up

yea, I think I will give it all up to God. Recent days I have felt like I am doing things in vain, like staying up late.. calling someone to see how they are.. ect. The end result is simple. That no one really cares about you haha. So I figured, I'll give them a peice of my mind.. ends up they don't give a crap about what you say. So doesn't matter... now I knwo why they say, unless the Lord is behind it, the builder builds in vain.

I find it pointless now to continue to try to be someone who cares, without caring, who loves expecting nothing in return. So I'm giving it to you God today. I can't seem to figure these things out God.. so Take control.. I don't want to be fustrated, nor do I want to have to hold it inside. I don't want to be demanded to say things. I just want time with people who really care =). But in this world, people are beyond that... selfishness of ones heart.

Just like me, see how selfish I have become. I think I have become a monster.. and frankly God I think you better come to take me home before I stray,... I hate to see myself stray.,. I feel like there's another person in me.. that can see me doing things I hate.. I'd rather die oh God than to be away from you...

I do not wish to desire any more God... but teach me live in your presence.. Teach me to tap on your love... the only true love in this world.

-Chris

As the days past..
and the flowers withers,
So as blood is shed,
and tears the same..

What do we look for in this life,
As peace is given,
love and kindess..
Why do we crave for more?

As my heart sinks and my mind blows,
God help me..
GOd please be with me...
I dun wanna be selfish,
I dun wanna take a life which is not mine..
Oh God help me.. I dun want to burden others,
God help me
GOd be with me
God take my hand
God let me breath..
God protect her,
God take my cares,
Coz I dun want to worry,
I want to think of what is good, pure right,...

God I wish not to be so selfish,
Help me to be less selfish...
I wish only..
You know my heart best..
God..
I am sad God..

But no one will see my sadness..
No one will stand next to me,
hold me close,
or listen to me,
Who will care?
Only you God...

I feel like I miss her God,
sometimes I wonder where she disappears to God..
could you tell me so I never have to ask her again?
But thats what you want me to do right?
ask her...
then what do I do when she don't reply?
You say wait..

Oh God... I know your grooming patience in me..
I must wait...
God.. but God take worry away from me as you groom my patience...
help me know the right timing..
God I have fallen too deep...
I want to fall deeper in love with you..

God.. oh God! please God...